We have rational and irrational fears that often act like major progress stoppers. They disconnect you from what you like and where you want to be.
There are several blogs on a similar topic. There are many blogs on how you can overcome your fears. But I want to cover the origin of those fears.
A lot of unconscious decisions are coming from experiences we encounter. The younger we are, the less we memorise an incident but the brighter we experience the emotion associated with that incident later in life. On the contrary, the older we are, the clearer we remember events and occasions, but we might have more resilience to any emotions.
Some fears turn into phobias. For example, 7 years ago I nearly drowned in Bondi Beach. Since that swimming in the ocean (swimming in general I’d say) and me don’t get along. Before that incident in 2016, I did scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef. This year I tried to do just a casual snorkelling in the open ocean during my trip to Fiji. The level of panic attack that I experienced was so high that I barely could stay calm in the water. Immediately I got back on the boat where other participants and the crew were terrified as if something happened to me.
Phobias are unknown to humans. We cannot exactly express how we can overcome fear of heights or water or spiders. It stays with us giving us that uncomfortable feeling when we even imagine things.
Fears that are not phobias can be overcome. Especially if they are triggered by some physiological fears. For instance, when you are betrayed, most likely it will be hard to open up to other people and be as easy going as you could be before.
This type of fear can be damaging for several aspects of your life: friendship, relationship, social lifestyle, and professional progression.
There is a form of behaviour that I named in one of previous blogs called “Moral Indulgence”. Moral Indulgence creates a lot of overthinking that makes those fears and disappointments into stable and consistent social blocks.
“I am not responsible for other people's mistakes.” – a good friend of mine once told me. I am grateful for teaching me that lesson.
When a new person comes to your life, do not simply project your fortunate or unfortunate experiences onto them. Every person that comes to your life is white canvas.
Any negative experience you go through should build some relevant experience that enables personal growth internally. BUT it should not influence your external unknown world. New people that are coming to your life are your external unknown world.
Ask yourself “What’s the worst thing that can happen if you….?”. Apply this question anytime when your psychological fear makes you indecisive.
A lot of people are afraid to start relationships or friendships after they are betrayed, manipulated, or misunderstood. They think that starting something new will cause them to feel the same way. It is painful and our natural reaction is to avoid pain. However, from a rational perspective, it is unreasonable. Look at the self-dialogue below:
“What’s the first thing that can happen if I open up to a new person in my life?”
“Well, I will be betrayed and hurt again. It is super painful!”
“How about you take this ONE lesson from your past and how the scenario was leading to the event that made you hurt. You know how not to end up there. Now there is a new person in your life who doesn’t show you presence or traces of that event. He/she is a white canvas and your impulses, emotions and those singular lessons are your drawing tools. Paint your opinion about them!.”
“What if I cannot control my fear? It hurts and I just simply don’t want to go there.”
“It is a projection of your irrational fear that is no longer associated with your present moment. The learnt lesson should already keep you away from an event that makes you hurt. The only thing you need is to be honest with yourself and trust your impulses. Do you really feel it is a danger there or is it your emotional memory that blocks you to move forward?”
“What if my impulses are wrong and I will be hurt again?”
“ What’s the worst thing that will happen even if you’re hurt? Rejection, confrontation, disappointment, being ridiculed…? By whom – people that mean nothing in your life – if they were meaning something, they would never hurt you. It is better to reveal your surroundings before you get into deeper and meaningful commitment with somebody.”
Treat the negative experiences of that sort as if the Universe saved you from somebody irrelevant in your life. If they are irrelevant, why should I bother? Life is short and you cannot waste it on irrelevant thoughts and opinions. “We all gonna die so fuck it (Billie Eilish).”
See what happens. You don’t have to go through the same negative experience again and again. You extract what you need to be better, smarter, and wiser and move on!
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